My Rough Week

Even with a full moon, still no Hudelson baby. Kids gonna have strong hands from holding on.

As Doug Phillips would say. Let's get personal for a moment, shall we? I'm throwing this out for prayer and maybe it will help someone else. I might not send this, but when I put things into words it forces me to take my thinking captive and to try and communicate with clarity. Lots of time when I'm done writing about something I then have a much better grasp it.

Some background. We live in North Phoenix, I work in Chandler, we drive 30 miles to Gilbert for church. It has taken months to emotionally, mentally commit that we should sell our house, after 14 yrs. I do think that values have more room to drop.

We would then wait a year or two and with the equity buy a house free and clear of debt, maybe more land for planting, etc, etc. We might not stay in the valley. Beth wants her seasons back, she would move out of the heat in a minute.

Part of this is trying to position our family to help the next generation as much as we can. I want to be able to work out of the house, to be around the family more, fixing cars? whatever. Trying to be open to whatever direction God wants. Now its by God's grace and a blessing that he has dislodged enough of my old Americana vision that I am desirous to orient my life in a more biblical direction.

Like most of us I have a list of things to do that just keeps growing and growing. I was resigned to just not ever get it all done.

Well last week in back to back days I managed to mess up enough stuff to almost lose my job. I have been sent home for 5 days, with the weekend, that’s seven days in a row. My family is excited. I am wrestling with angst, doubts and ??? It's not been fun.

But, I have time now and have plunged into getting the house ready to put up for sale.

On Sunday, Shawn mentioned, “believe what you believe and doubt the doubts”. That resonated well as the doubts have been pretty loud. I know that if God wants it over for me in Chandler he will do it. Part of that is a helpless feeling. But if God doesn’t want me there it should be the last place I want to be either.

I have mentioned before that this year more and more I have felt like I cannot do things right. It has me feeling powerless, and like I'm standing over nothing, no solid ground under me. I have never ever felt loads of self confidence in my job, though I have done it a long time. I have always credited God with my abilities so I don’t think this is about God deflating my confidence in me.

He definitely has humbled me. I have been trying to stir the pot and generate more work from home to gradually build a base to start from. But there has been very little fruit so far.

I have pressed in hard to understand and view God's word correctly this last couple of years and now His word is just so much more clear, tangible, practical, applicable, concrete. I now really know I have something that must be passed on. Vision. This biblical world view over everything in life. So as my faith is much more solid, it seems that what used to feel secure and tangible has turned, misty and ethereal. They traded places?

I am seeking God. The only scripture to jump was from Psalms, the first chpt. You have two kinds of people. Those whom God will bless and those who will be like chaff. City of God, city of man. The only difference given here is in verse two…NKJ

1 Blessed is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,
Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;
2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night.
3 He shall be like a tree Planted by the rivers of water,
That brings forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also shall not wither; And whatever he does shall prosper.
4 The ungodly are not so,But are like the chaff which the wind drives away.
5 Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, Nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous.
6 For the Lord knows the way of the righteous, But the way of the ungodly shall perish.

My bible “helps”, went on at great length, describing meditating and aligning with Gods ways, but refused to specifically mention what God says "twice" to meditate on. Very telling.

And in Proverbs it combines vision with God's Law…KJ

18Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.[1]

So for now I will be digging into more of God's Law, for direction. I will have to wait and see if God is just gonna force a new direction on me. I will ignore the voices that keep whispering, God wants to squish you.